Server Life: What I Wish I Could Say…

I have been a server for a little while now, and I would be lying if I said there wasn’t anything I wanted to say to almost all the guests I’ve ever served. So if you go out to eat regularly, please take notice. And if you serve, maybe you will understand.

  • “I’m not the one cooking the food, so please don’t blame me for the quality.”
  • “Your tip is my paycheck, so please don’t tip badly, especially if I gave good service.”
  • On the subject of tipping, “I have to tip out a bartender and a busser, so if you don’t tip me, I lose money.”
  • “Yes we have an open table, but we usually don’t have enough servers for EVERY table in the restaurant.”
  • “I rarely have just you as my table, so please try and notice when I am at another table.”
  • “If I am at another table, or carrying a lot of plates, please don’t stop me. It’s rude.”
  • “When I ask if I can get you anything and you say ‘a bag of cash’ or ‘a wheelchair to wheel me out of here’ OR ‘a bigger stomach’ my laugh is fake. I hear that all the time, please get a new joke.”
  • “If your child makes a mess, please try and clean it up or tip a little more, because I have to clean that up.”
  • “I know everyone has preferences on where to sit, but please tell the host before hand, because it puts a burden on everyone if you’re wandering around looking for your perfect table.”
  • “Unless there is a sign that explicitly says ‘Seat Yourself’ DON’T SEAT YOURSELF. And if you do, don’t complain that you haven’t been greeted, we don’t know you’re there.”
  • “Don’t order something if you want to change absolutely everything about it, either get something else or go home and make it yourself.”
  • Old Guys-“Please stop winking after every sentence.”
  • Ladies-“If I ask what your significant other wants to drink, I am not flirting. Don’t glare at me.”
  • “Yes we close at 10, but we really want you out by ten, don’t come waltzing in at 9:57 asking for a well done steak.”
  • “Everyone wants to leave, so usually kitchen staff starts packing stuff up a little after 9:30, so don’t get mad at me if it takes me a little longer to find what you wanted.”
  • “Don’t stare at me with a glare waiting for me to come over, ESPECIALLY if you don’t even need anything.”
  • “Please try and know what you need all at once, don’t send me back and forth five times asking for more.”
  • “I can only carry so much via tray and hands, don’t get mad if your ten dishes don’t come out all at once.”
  • “DON’T GRAB DRINKS OFF MY TRAY. It will unbalance it, and I really don’t want you getting a free meal because you were and idiot.”
  • “Understand the size of your meal and the business of the restaurant. If you have twenty people, your meal is going to take a little while. If you see another table with 25 people, chances are the kitchen is backed up because of them.”
  • “Don’t get mad at me if your food comes out at the wrong time, I cannot control the speed of the kitchen.”
  • “Make sure you know what comes on your dish, don’t ask for a house salad and then when you receive it realize you didn’t want onions and tomatoes.”
  • “Don’t get mad because I offer you wine, it’s mandatory, and I’m not forcing you to try any.”
  • “The ruder you are, the longer I will take. Nicer people take priority. If you say ‘where is my lemon’ and someone else says ‘when you get a chance’, guess whose I’m going to get first.”
  • “Don’t say ‘About time’ or ‘Finally’ when I get to your table, chances are that I didn’t take long and even if I did, I can’t change it now. You’re just being rude.”
  • “Don’t blame your server that you and to wait fifteen minutes. It’s not my fault that my tables were eating.”

That’s all I have for now, but I’m sure there’s much more. If you have anything, feel free to comment below! Maybe I’ll do a part 21 (:

~Charlie Pond


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